We got a new roommate this past weekend, Corey’s friend Ryan who we know from high school and who went to college with Corey also. He needed a place to stay for a couple months while he looks for jobs, supposedly a couple months, so we agreed to board him for those couple months. Hopefully it will only be a couple months like was agreed, because Corey and I were really settled into our own ways and having fun living together as a couple, and we’d like to get back to that. However, it seems like he’s settling down for the long haul.

He’s a really nice guy though and I get along fine with him. It just sucks because I don’t have the house to myself all day anymore and I can’t sing ;__; I love to sing as loud and as often as possible and now I can’t ;__;

Speaking of which, Corey and I were gonna start our band, Butterslice. But now we won’t do it. And his boyfriend can’t be in the band.

Here’s a cover I did of Hooverphonic’s “Mad About You”

Got rid of the hot-dogging vid cuz I remembered that my grandma might read this.

I’m such a dork.

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/UK90aeBM0RlSeMgX

Anyway, I went to a wedding last weekend in Rochester, New York and it was great! It was my cousin Sam’s wedding, and it was beautiful! I was moved. She looked soooo pretty! Even I wore a dress… this polka dot Marilyn Monroe type dress. Dress shopping unfortunately showed me how fat I’ve gotten all of a sudden. Or, I just haven’t noticed how much weight I’ve put on recently. I definitely have gained my freshman 15 (yes I am a freshman). So now I’m on diet and exercise. But yeah, the wedding was fantastic. Corey came with me and we had a wonderful time together. We bonded.

My relatives are all SO SO nice, it was great seeing them.

Look how fat Corey and I have gotten:

My boobs…. so… heavy… ugh!
But yeah, need to lose some weight.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Corey agreed to come so I can show him off ^_^ It’s too bad we’re both kinda fat right now. Still, I found a dress that I look great in–if I do say so myself. I had to get a size 14 to fit my breasts. The rest of me is a size 8. I pretty much gain the most weight in my boobs. It’s not so bad! But I do have some stomach pudge right now that I’d like to get rid of. Problem is, when I try to diet, my whole body gets shaky because of the hunger, or low blood sugar or something, and that’s scary and makes me eat until it stops. And it’s not like I’m starving myself to that point, it just happens if I eat too little or not often enough. I pretty much have to eat every couple of hours. I can’t decide if that’s from my meds or hypoglycemia or if my meds cause hypoglycemia or what.

I was in the grocery store (Aldi’s) yesterday and my hands were shaking (like they always do, only a little worse because I was hungry) and the cashier lady says, “Hon, are you okay?” “Huh?” I say. “Your hands are shaking really bad, are you okay?” “Oh, yeah, it’s just… low blood sugar.” That slipped out. I don’t know what causes it. So she says “I know how that is, I’m diabetic. I have a candy bar in my bag over there if you want it, I’d be happy to give it to you.” She was really concerned about me and kept trying to give me candy, but I figured I could make it until dinner so I turned the candy bar down. Heh. Stranger was gonna give me free candy! Well, it just seemed like one of those “whoops” instances where you say you’re something you’re not and it turns out the other person is… (Like in A-Team where Murdock (is that his name?) hands over his fake Nigerian passport to a guy that is actually from Nigeria).

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the wedding. Not my wedding, unfortunately. Will Corey and I ever get married!? Probably not until after I get through college/get a job/get sane. Man, never gonna get hitched at this rate. So, my oldest cousin Sam is getting married. I’m happy for her ^_^ I’m really not close to my cousins, which is a shame, but I want the best for them. And hey, I got a great polka dot dress (I’ve been obsessed with polka dots lately and hunted down all the polka dot dresses in the stores). It’s black with ivory polka dots, and it looks great on me. A lot of dresses I tried on made me look fat, but this one actually made me look slimmer. Yay! I also got some pearl clip-on earrings (my pierced ears closed up a bit, so I figured I’d just get some clip-ons), a pearl necklace, a pearl bracelet, and I’m going to look for some pearl barrettes. I also had to get new shoes (found some cute flats with polka dot bows on the front… oh yeah I need to check and make sure they match…) for 11 dollars!! And a little black purse that’s attached to a bracelet so I can wear my purse and not have to carry it around. Perfect! I never dress up so this is going to be fun.

The other day Corey came to pick me up for his lunch break and we went to Taco Bell. Then, he didn’t have enough time to take me home and get back to work on time so we dropped him off at his work and gave me the car to go to the mall across the street. I said I wanted to go shopping for some shirts, so I could probably handle shopping for three hours and then go pick him up from work. I was looking for a new style for myself, and perused all the department stores the mall had, ending up with nothing. Everything I liked was too expensive and not worth it. Finally I went to this store called Body Central and found some great shirts. Basically I got the same shirt three times, only it’s a little different each time… got this black and white striped shirt that has a black short-sleeved vest/jacket thing that hangs way past the length of the shirt, got a plain white shirt to wear underneath this striped, loose blue tank top and a striped grey and white tank top with pockets! I know this is fascinating and all… Well, I didn’t make it quite 3 hours so I went home. As soon as I arrived in the parking lot and got out of the car, my phone rang. It was Corey, and he was ready for me to come pick him up from work. ;__;

Ah, I’m trying to get a new psychiatrist because this psychiatrist I just started with is not working out. I go in and we sit awkwardly for 1 minute, he talks to me for 2 minutes, writes out some prescriptions for 2 minutes, and then ushers me out. 5 minutes for 120 dollars. @#$%! They also expect me to go to a counselor at this same place separately for counseling. Granted, you can’t expect every psychiatrist to be great at counseling, but it’s nice if they at least sit there and listen to you for 50 minutes, for that kind of money. I searched endlessly and found one psychiatrist in Charlotte that does psychotherapy as well as medication management, in a 50 minute session. Problem is, he’s expensive. It’s 310 dollars for the first visit (first is always ridiculously expensive because there’s always the chance you might not come back and they want to get as much money out of you as possible) and then after that it’s 180 dollars. And insurance doesn’t help me, since I have a ginormous deductible to reach before mental health kicks in. However, he’s only about 20 bucks more than my other psychiatrist from Cary, so maybe I can convince my parents to pay 160 and I’ll pitch in 20 bucks. Problem is the 310 dollars. That hurts. And what if I don’t like him?! But nah, he sounds really nice on the phone. I really hope this will work out.

Ohhh heh… whenever I answer the phone and someone says, “Ms. Butler?” or “Is Shannon Butler there?” I always spontaneously reply with: “This is me!” … O_O  I am such a dork. It doesn’t occur to me to say the proper “This is she” or “Speaking” or even “That’s me!” No, I have to say, “This is me!” Because it just makes sense to me, as a crazy person.

So, yeah, gonna be gone to a wedding this weekend. Won’t be able to work on drawing. However, I have started a Peons comic. Number 471, I believe. I decided to try a new style for fun. I freehand the drawing (by which I mean I don’t rough sketch first and then ink over it, I just go straight at it), and then I “paint” the colors on instead of filling them in solid-like and then adding shading. It gives it a watercolor effect. I can’t decide if I absolutely hate it or adore it, but I’m gonna keep going with it to see how it turns out.

It seems I can’t actually reproduce the actions that got Tactical RPG Editor to work on Windows 7, I thought it was just those few files but I tried to help someone get it to work on their computer and nothing worked. So, something I did that I can’t figure out helped get it working. Or maybe some file I already had on my computer. Oh well. Also, the Dialogue doesn’t work on the program so I’m probably not going to use it. I don’t think other people could play a game I made, either, since it’s got so many bugs. Boo. I’ve been trying to use Sim RPG Maker but every time I load a custom map it turns green. I finally managed to get a map I turned to 16-bit and then back to 256 colors to work, so I can do it but editing is limited. Am I even going to make a game!? I think I just like spriting.

I tried to figure out this mmorpg maker called Eclipse so I could have a place for my forum homies to hang out in and chat, while also customizing their avatars and maybe doing quests or fighting monsters (or each other), but I can’t enable port forwarding on my router because I can’t figure out what the darn username and password is for it. I think I can just reset the router and then use the default information but… meh, I don’t even know if I want to make an mmorpg. It would be a lot of work and I don’t even know if anyone would care enough. We already have a forum, and I set up an avatar-customizing system called Living Avatars so they can play with paperdolling that way. Now I just need to make items for it.

So, I don’t know what to do with myself. I should be drawing comics. But I just want to sprite! I suppose I could draw sprite comics. That would be kinda cute. But I think a sudden style change in the comics would be weird. Don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m already wasting away my free month and it’s agonizing. I want to stay freeeee!

Oh, btw, remember how I was struggling with my two summer classes? Well, I skipped a bunch of assignments in Intro to Game Development but I did manage to turn in a completed (though not exactly playable) game for my final. And I got an A in the class somehow! It’s a game where you play a penguin prince and have to save penguins from the evil Yellow Snowman’s attacking army. The idea for the game was Corey’s, only he said I should have zombies attacking people and have a medic save them, but I converted it to simpler, more familiar VERY FAMILIAR terms because we were only allowed to draw basic shapes. So I drew penguins anyway, because “penguin” is certainly a basic shape. I did make them as simple as possible.

I made an introduction where you get to talk to the king penguin and choose either heroic, snarky, or dumb responses which will impact (supposedly) your ending. I never tested this… I just hoped it would work. Then you enter levels full of snow blocks and snowmen and penguins you can destroy with your flamethrower or freeze with your squirtgun. The snowmen chase after the penguins (supposedly, unless they get stuck on something, which they often do), grab the penguins, and then take them to a hole on the map to throw them into. In theory, it’s a great game. Just doesn’t completely work. Also, did I mention I do all the background music and sound effects? It’s basically me going “beep bop boop” repeatedly in different melodies, with the pitch increased to make it sound like a little midget penguin is singing it. It’s pretty funny.

Here’s the game, if you want to see it: (Arrow keys to move, Enter to confirm a response, X or Z for squirtgun or flamethrower, Press esc to exit the game, N to go to the next level and P to go to previous level.) I don’t suggest actually trying to play… I think you should just listen to the music XD  Oh, and you are supposed to find the penguins and have them follow you back to the igloo. Also you eat fish to earn points, and once you eat all the fish the level exit appears. But, yeah… not playable.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/xt8hli

As for my other class, 3D modeling, I did like 25% of the final. It was worth 6000 points O_O Guess what grade I got? An A. How!? I don’t know. It must be an A for effort. Or you get an A just for completing the class. Jeebus. I’m not going to complain.

So, I haven’t been sleeptalking the past couple days but before that I was talking almost every night. Here’s some more of my exploits:

Shan: …gotta put it in the… tupperware…
Corey: …??
Shan: *points with finger towards Corey* Tupperware.
Corey: *stare*
Shan: *confused* Why are you staring at me like that!? Gotta put it in the tupperware! It makes complete sense! I’m completely coherent!
Corey: *stare*
Shan: Oh… wait… tupperware…? That doesn’t make sense, does it? Weird… I think I’m awake now… *falls asleep*

And then another night:

Shan: Gotta get the purple.
Corey: What?
Shan: Gotta get the purple. *goes back to sleep*
Corey: @#$%??

I think the “gotta get the purple” is referring to grape gum that I’ve been trying to find, everywhere. You know they don’t sell grape gum anywhere?! Although I finally found it at a gas station. Mmmmm grape gum is THE BEST gum. Yeah, I’ve taken up gum chewing. You see, I always have to have something in my mouth. I figure gum is better than food. Or miscellaneous objects.

I also always have to be doing something with my hands. If I’m not drawing or typing or some activity, then I either pick incessantly at my thumb cuticles until they bleed too much or I rub the silk edge of Blankey. I actually have callouses on my fingers where the silk rubs against. Just always have to have something in my mouth and be doing something with my hands or I am not at ease. SOUNDS DIRTY!

Ugh, I need to do something productive now… maybe I’ll work on a comic… nah, I’m gonna sprite for no reason.

For anyone on the ‘net looking for Tactical RPG Editor 2 info, I’ve got some for you. I got it to work on Windows 7. First I installed it, right-clicked on the desktop shortcut and went to Properties, then to Shortcuts, then clicked on the Advanced tab, then checked the box for “Run as Administrator”. This makes it always run with admin permissions. Then I right-clicked on Tactical RPG Editor 2 again and said “Troubleshoot Compatibility.” Windows 7 determines that the game maker should be run in Windows XP (Service Pack 2) mode, so agree to do that and try to run it. I got an error that said “comdlg32.ocx” missing. So, I hunted down this file and downloaded it. Put it in your SysWOW64 folder. Then, go to Accessories, Command Prompt (right click to run as administrator for an “elevated command prompt”), and type in “regsvr32 c:\Windows\SysWOW64\comdlg32.ocx” (no quotes) to “register” this file in your registry. Then try the editor again. You might get an error like this: ActiveX component cannot create object: 429. This is a visual basic error that means you are probably missing some ocx file. I found out from RPG Crisis.net’s forums that Megaman8x, the translator for TRPG Editor, suggests the file “mscomctl.ocx”. So I installed that, put it in SysWOW64, and registered it the same way as before (regsvr32 c:\Windows\SysWOW64\mscomctl.ocx) Then I tried the editor again. It still gives a boot error, but it opens the editor! Still one problem, it is not fully functional, and says it is missing “mscomct2.ocx.” So, download that, put it in SysWOW64, and register it like you did the others. Now the editor should work (I always “troubleshoot compatibility” to run it).

If that doesn’t work, I did also download a bunch of other registry ocx files to see if they worked, but none of them seemed to have worked, but I can’t be sure. E-mail me if you need help, or if you want one of the files, or if you want the editor: pomerangolarst AT gmail DOT com

Huahahaha now I can make my tactics games!

…after finals. ;__;

Er, sorry about that last post. Been having a lot of “Andy Attacks” lately. Couldn’t sleep that night because I was thinking of Andy, so I went downstairs and watched our video so I could see him. Then I felt the need to write down my feelings. It happens.

Um, so, it’s been rough these past couple of days. Not only have I been thinking about Andy a lot, but I’ve been down for no reason at all and poor Corey is feeling the full force of second-hand depression/anxiety. I just have so much trouble concentrating on my schoolwork and he feels he has to help me succeed, because he loves me and wants me to succeed, but there’s just not much he can really do. He tries to make me schedules, which maybe I’ll keep to for a day, and tries to force me to work, or offers me rewards for doing my work, but nothing drives me forward. All I can do is wait for a good mood to come along where I can focus. Usually these don’t last too long. I get probably an hour of work done a day. Finals are due Friday. Meep.

After Friday, I hope to start working on comics and stuff again. I’ll probably work on a tactics game. Still can’t decide whether to use Game Maker or RPG Maker, though I wish I could use Tactics RPG Editor but I keep getting errors when I try to run it, even in compatibility mode. I get a boot error. It told me I was missing a comdlg32.ocx file or something like that, so I downloaded that file and registered it into my SysWOW64 folder successfully, but then the error message changed to “cannot create object, error 429″ and I can’t find a way to fix this. Yet. So I’ve been messing with that when I should be working on stuff… and writing blogs…

Dear Andy,

I miss you so much. Where did you go? Why did you leave? The longer you stay away, the more it hurts. I think about you all the time. Your birthday is coming soon. I’m not going to get you anything if you don’t come visit.

Are you in heaven? Is there a heaven? What’s it like? Why did God take you, when you had it all together, and I don’t? You are such an amazing person. A beautiful soul. I watched our music video again tonight. We are really good. We could’ve had a band. Named Butterslice. We could’ve at least been a Radiohead cover band! Radiobutt!

I want to live life better, harder, for you. Since you don’t get to. And you were so much better at life than I. It’s not fair, really. Nothing is.

I love you, little buddy. Goodnight. Sleep tight.

I’ve stopped doing my work. Don’t tell! It’s been about four days now. Well, I do like five to ten minutes of work sometimes… but not much. I’m getting nowhere. I just cannot do it. Blocked.

I did do something weird though. I managed to make a five minute radio show for Corey. I wanted to give him something fun to wake up to in the morning, because he hates getting up. He doesn’t mind going to work, he just hates getting up. He’s tired. Wanna know a good reason he’s tired? He sleeps next to me. And what do I do? Well, let me tell you…

The first time I woke Corey up was a couple weeks ago. I do this about once a week it seems: talk in my sleep. I am slightly aware of it, too. I know it’s happening and in the morning I remember the conversation, but I have no control over what I am saying in the moment. The first time I kept saying, “I’m talking to CVS.” (the pharmacy, CVS. I know, it doesn’t make sense. What does a pharmacy have to talk about?). Corey, dazed and confused as I had woken him up, asked me,

Corey: What?
Shan: I’m talking to CVS.
Corey: …um… what?
Shan: I’m talking to CVS.
Corey: …what does that mean?
Shan (getting angry): What do you mean ‘what does it mean’!? I don’t understand why you don’t understand! It’s simple! I’m talking to CVS!
Corey: …Oh.

I was so annoyed at the time that he didn’t understand something so easy to comprehend, then in the morning as we looked back on it… I realized I had no idea why I thought I was talking to a drugstore.

2nd time:

Shan: *pokes Corey in the back, repeatedly*
Corey: …nnnn… what, what is it?
Shan: I’m trying to move you. *poke poke*
Corey: ? Am I in your space, I’m sorry–
Shan: No, I mean, you’re not in my way, I’m trying to BEND you. *poke prod*
Corey: ???

I was trying to make this curve in his back fat… not in a way that was humanly possible, mind you.

3rd time:

Shan: I’m selecting a black woman.
Corey: ???
Shan: Selecting a black woman.
Corey: Ugh…

I have no idea what that means either. If there is a playable black woman in a video game though, I am all about selecting her. I totally want to be a black woman. Maybe that’s what I meant.

So, my stress is causing me sleep problems I think. At least I’ve stopped gagging, since today. Maybe it’s because I’ve been completely ignoring my work, so I’m not stressed.

Radio shows are fun.

Hey, I found this post I thought got deleted when my computer crashed! It’s from the 22nd:

All I did today was sleep, eat, and poop. Just kidding, I’m a girl, I don’t poop.

Last night I didn’t sleep well. Lately I’ve been getting this gagging feeling in my throat/chest. I feel like if I gag or throw up I’ll feel better. I have a feeling it’s stress, since I have tons of schoolwork to do and I am not doing any of it. I just got put on Ritalin SR and it doesn’t work like Ritalin does. Ritalin SR is extended release Ritalin, so it slowly feeds you little bits of Ritalin, whereas hardcore Ritalin hits you hard and leaves you just as abruptly a couple hours later. But, it’s strong enough to get me going, unlike the SR. So I’m doomed because I only have so much normal Ritalin left and my next psychiatrist appt is in a month. Of course, my classes end July 9th, so if I can make it until then…

As I said, I couldn’t sleep last night so I got up at like 3 and came downstairs. Watched some Flintstones. There is never anything on tv late at night… although one night I got to watch Stand By Me. Good movie. There is a lot of bromance and it’s adorable. Boys are funny. They get so much chummier than girls it’s refreshing. I wish girls could get along that well, but in my experiences… we just can’t. I’ve had tons of female best friends that just turned out to be evil. One wrote me a letter, pretending to be a cute boy (the class bad boy) and said that he liked me and wanted to meet me on top of the slide at recess. I was a pleasantly plump girl (just a little pudge, really) with big glasses and no confidence, and it was just known that I was ugly by everyone, including me. So I was ecstatic to have someone like me. But I waited atop that slide and no one came.

All the boy best friends I had were the best. Especially Corey now. Erin (yes spelled the girl way, though he recently changed it to Aaron), was one of the best best friends ever. We went go-karting (I wasn’t allowed to drive because I tried once and drove it into a ditch…) and canoeing and camping. One day I took him out on the pond in his canoe and we drifted there in the middle for a while. I turned around to confront him and right then and there, in the middle of the pond with no escape, I asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend. He said yes and was very excited, as was I! Then we never hung out again! So I’m not sure whether it counts as a relationship or not.

So, I spontaneously jumped into some things as I often do. I decided to go to college in Charlotte for Simulation and Game Development. Why? Well, why not!? Games are pretty much my life right now since I haven’t been drawing (I do miss it so), and I would love to learn how to create them. Getting any degree isn’t a bad idea either. Sure, I could end up working at Starbucks, but they have great benefits. And I would totally get the job over that high school dropout because they can’t recreate Pac-Man and I have a degree that proves I can.
Corey got a job, which is wonderful, and I was so ecstatic when I heard the news and still am. He’s working now as an associate underwriter. Or assistant underwriter… same thing, anyway. Of course, that meant he was moving to Charlotte. So, I hopped on the boat (without a life jacket). I decided to start my fresh college career over the summer, so I could live with Corey in Charlotte. I’m not drowning yet but the waters are harsh.

Why am I able to go to college suddenly, when I can’t even work a job for more than two weeks or fill out any paperwork? Well, I get better in the summertime, and feel ambitious. I take on a lot while I can, which I regret later. Such as, taking two summer courses. One is hard. Two is near impossible for me. I have to pick and choose which assignments to do because I can’t finish them all. I probably could if I had an infinite supply of Ritalin (which is the only thing that keeps me going these days)… but I don’t want to take too much of it, else I’ll abuse it somehow. I just can’t concentrate on anything for more than 10-15 minutes, even video games, unless I have some Ritalin in my system.

But, when I’m not lying on the couch doing nothing (and I mean nothing, not even watching TV) and feel up to doing stuff, I clean the apartment and cook dinner and such wifely duties on top of schoolwork. No, not married yet. Might as well be! But then I wouldn’t get my survival stipend from my parents, which I desperately need and appreciate.

The classes I’m taking are Intro to Simulation and Game Development, and 3D Modeling, both online. Intro to SGD is amazingly fun, despite all the work that stresses me out. I got to make three levels of my own game for my midterm, and I got full points on it. That felt good. Still waiting on the results of my 3D modeling midterm. I have no idea how that is going to go. I am okay at 3D modeling it’s just… so much trial and error it’s time consuming. And my perfectionist nature doesn’t help. Makes everything take 10 times longer. That doesn’t work because I’ve only got 10 minutes of concentration!

But, yeah, I stare at my work a lot, and try to do it, and it hurts my brain. Sometimes there’s just a block there and I can’t get around it. Corey doesn’t understand, he tries to get me to do my work and it just stresses him out. Meanwhile, if I have too much work and am blocked, then I just shut down altogether. But I reboot later and get the work done. And I know that I will. Hopefully. Right now I am blocked, so I am playing with my neglected blog. See, I put up a little shoutbox! Why? Not for shouting profanities, unless I want to, but mostly so I can type in little messages when I feel like it. The twitter box that was there didn’t work for everyone. Sometimes it showed up as a black box or as empty space. Or it took over the whole page. Well, it’s gone now.

Btw, I am getting a break from school in mid-July, so I will try to put out some comics then. Yay.

Wow my life is getting complicated! Corey and I have been having a lot of trouble getting jobs, so we applied for some odd jobs off of Craigslist and we got a cleaning job for next Sunday. Thing is, we don’t know how to clean a whole house on our own, so we have to learn before then. Also, we had talked to the hiring manager at Harris Teeter (grocery store) and she had said there were no openings, but I went in with my parents who know her personally (she had worked with my brother at a different HT) and asked about overnight openings, and she said she might be able to get me a job overnight stocking, which would be perfect for me. Still no job for Corey, but hey, at least one of us will have money.

At the same time, I am considering going to college for video game development. The community college here has a great program and there are a ton of video game companies in the area. I would also love that degree. My parents found out about my interest and are all excited (even though in the past, video game development would not be a degree covered by the “parental scholarship” as they call it). Problem is, if I do get a job in the area, and Corey gets a job in Charlotte where he’s been applying (three hours away), I don’t know how that would work.

Also, my parents are in the adoption process. They are currently taking classes and after the classes are over (in about 4-5 weeks) they will be able to adopt!! I will have new siblings!! It’s weird, but awesome. That will really complicate their lives, but it’s worth it to help out a couple of kids who’ve had it rough (to say the least).

And I am considering making a Peons game, either browser based or Ren’py. But that would take a lot of work so I dunno yet.

Oh and I haven’t been able to draw again. >_<

I’ve gotten back into the swing of things after a long period of internet silence. I finally published a comic, but I can’t say when the next comic will come out, sorry. Whenever I feel like it! Hey, at least the comic isn’t dead. I considered killing it, but I just don’t feel like I’m finished with it. The Peons will live on! Slowly!

As for my mental health, I’ve been doing pretty well. A lot of times I find myself bored and yet not wanting to do anything, but other than that I’ve been good. The occasional downer mood will arise, but that’s normal. Also I feel fat. But I’m a woman, so what else is new? I’m trying to diet but I don’t really have a plan to follow so I’ve ended up eating more than usual.

Corey has been coming over every night! We are doing extremely well! Lav~ Lav~ I want him to just move in with me but he won’t >=O  He wants to live away from all parents. I don’t see the problem, since we don’t even see my parents when he’s over. We just go hang out, he plays video games and I play on the computer, either drawing or browsing the forum. Good times. Yesterday though we decided we needed to get out. Places to go were limited, since we hang out late at night, so we decided to go to a 24 hour Walmart and then we tried a new bar (I don’t drink but he does) called the Tribeca Tavern. We had heard that they had fried zucchini there so we had to go… I love fried zucchini *drool* Not as great as fried pickles though, which we had gotten recently at The Penguin in Charlotte. Great place.

The fried zucchini turned out to be really thin, and not so great as other fried zucchini I’ve had, but hey, it was better than no fried zucchini, am I right? The bartender didn’t even card Corey, which surprised me, since he looks so young. And I just ordered a Shirley Temple to try and fit in, even though it’s non-alcoholic. Mmmmm Shirley Temples are so good (Sprite + Grenadine (Cherry) Syrup)

Ack, I have to find a new psychiatrist. Mine is closing his practice =(  It sucks because I’ve gone through a bunch of counselor/psychiatrist/psychologists to get to him, and I really really like him. But I have to support his decision. He’s moving and working with a non-profit organization in Winston Salem, so how can I be mad? He’s doing good.

Hey, I have to recommend a video game. It’s Resonance of Fate, and it’s amazing. The battle system is something I’ve never seen before and it is sooooo fun and addictive, and I could just battle for hours without even playing the rest of the game. But then I would miss out on the silly characters and intriguing story, and you even get to customize the characters by changing their clothes and hair/eye colors! I have spent all my earned money on clothes, instead of customizing my weapons oops. But it’s worth it. =D

I have decided to turn my life into a video game, where I have to level up my stats to improve my character, me. I am starting over at level 0 for all my stats. These stats aren’t like Strength or Charisma (which would both be in the negatives for me) but rather stats like Drawing and Cooking. I will have a requirement for each stat to gain a point, like for Drawing it will take two comic panels to gain one point, and it will take 25 points to reach level 1. Then it will take 50 points to reach level 2, and 75 points to reach level 3 and onward. Here are the stats I have come up with so far:

Drawing 1 pt = 2 panels
Writing 1 pt = 3 pages
Blogging 1 pt = 3 pages
Twitter 1 pt = 20 posts
Forum 1 pt = 20 posts
Cooking 1 pt = 1 meal
Cleaning 1 pt = 10 acts
Laundry 1 pt = 1 load
Driving 1 pt = 2 trips
Social 1 pt = 5 interactions
Pushups (girly) 1 pt = 250 pushups
Squats 1 pt = 250 squats
Crunches 1 pt = 250 crunches
Jump rope 1 pt = 1000 jumps
Steps  1 pt = 30,000 steps

In other news, we are training Moochi, the sweetest cat we have ever had, has been terrorizing the neighborhood. He had been missing for a couple days when finally a man knocks at our door, bearing Moochi in a TRAP! He had captured Moochi via this trap and a can of fancy feast (oh Moochi), trying to catch feral cats that had been eating his birds. His birds? Yes, birds, in his yard, wild birds. BIRDS. There are plenty to go around, mister. Have some of ours, jeez. I hate them. Apparently he was also helping out his neighbors, who were having trouble with two cats, one feral one Moochi, who hung out on their back porch and pissed off their indoor cats, causing them to act up and do bad things in the house. Now, because they couldn’t scare off a couple of cats, we have to torture Moochi with an invisible fence or risk losing him. He can’t be trained on the litterbox because he’s too old and he sprays, despite being neutered.
This invisible fence training is brutal. It should be simple, but it’s not. Moochi doesn’t get it at all. He runs straight through the fence despite being shocked, and we have to train him despite instinct to run back into the yard once he feels the shock. It’s going to take months, and he won’t pee while on a harness and tie-out, which is how we’re supposed to train him, so he’s been peeing in the house, on the guest bed. >_<  (Who wants to come for a visit?)
I take him out on the harness and leash and that seems to work better, but he still won’t pee or poop, not in front of me (how polite). Today I tried to teach him that the flags lining the boundary were scary by shaking the flags and going “BAD” “BAD!” “BAD” like we’re supposed to and he just rolled over and asked me to pet his tummy. ;__;
In conclusion, not going well. I wish he could just be an indoor cat but that would be torture in itself for Moochi, who was once a feral cat and loves to hunt and needs the outdoors.

I haven’t updated in a while O_O I’m still alive, I assure you, and doing well! Several things have changed with this new year. First of all, I have not had any anxiety. Ever since my hypnosis session my anxieties slowly dissolved into nothing. I don’t get knee pain in place of anxiety, I just get NOTHING! No panic, no fullness of the chest, no quickened breath or heartrate, nothing. For instance, I have been driving (!) to Corey’s house, and when I decide to go it doesn’t take me an hour of standing in front of the garage door with the car keys in my hand to finally decide not to go. I just go and don’t think about it, and I feel confident. I think all I needed was to have my subconscious get a good talking to, and that was accomplished in the hypnosis session.
I’m not the most confident driver yet… I am a safe driver, but I cannot go at a consistent speed. One minute I am going 45 (the speed limit) the next I am going 40, and the next I am going 50 (but never over 50. Usually going 50 due to pressure from behind me). You do not want to get stuck behind me. I also slow down when cars come on the other side of the road, which is a behavior of drunken drivers, so I just hope someone behind me doesn’t call me in to the police one day >_<.

Another good thing that has happened is that I’ve signed up with Vocational Rehabilitation, a government organization that helps people who cannot get jobs on their own (generally people with mental illness or physical disabilities) obtain jobs and keep those jobs with counseling and mentoring. I really need an advocate to help me get a job that’s not my parents. Why can’t I get a job on my own? Because I need my employer to know about my depression and panic attacks, in case I have a panic attack at work and need to leave, and I don’t want to have to quit, like I have in the past. I haven’t worked at a place for more than 4 weeks in the past 4 years due to my panic attacks and depression. I don’t have the confidence to explain my situation on my own, and most employers aren’t going to want to deal with me, unless they already have a deal with the government (probably getting a tax break) through the vocational rehab program.

Unfortunately the rehab place (that sounds weird… like I’m going to rehab) cannot fit me into orientation until a month from now, Feb 23rd. I have to wait a month just to get started! But, that’s okay. I need to work on my driving. Also, my Grandpa is coming to visit in the time between then, so I’ll be occupied. The good news is that one of the jobs they mentioned they help you obtain is pharmaceutical technican! I may certainly steer them towards that!

BAD NEWS: My Cintiq is not working anymore with my new laptop/Windows 7. The monitor will turn on, but the pen will not move the cursor, even though the screen acknowledges that the pen is touching the screen (LED lights up when it touches). It works with my old laptop, so it’s safe to say that the Cintiq itself and the pen is not broken (thank God, could not afford a new one), but I cannot figure out how to make it work on the new laptop again. It was working perfectly for quite a while, and then suddenly it just stopped working! I have a feeling one of the automatic Windows updates crashed it. I’ve done a lot to try and fix it, such as re-installing drivers, rebooting a million times, changing settings, talking to Wacom, but I think the key to this is a system restore, which will bring my computer back in time before certain Windows updates. However, the system restores are NOT WORKING. Dammit! I’ve tried three times, with different restore points even, and it still is not working. GREAT. Today I am going to try in safe mode and see if that works. I’ll let you know.

My days pretty much go the same every day. In the morning I wake up, take my pills, put on my clothes and my new polka dot robe that I just bought for a steal from Belks (Corey didn’t want me to get it because it’s a large, but it fits fine if you roll up the sleeves once, and I had my eye on the robe for a couple months, finally got it! ROBE GET!) Then I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and eat half for breakfast. Next I play some Castle Age on Facebook (I am addicted to this game). I pretty much spend my whole day playing. Although you can’t play constantly because you have to wait a loooong time to recover stamina and energy before you can play again >_< If my Cintiq works, I work on drawing. Then I eat the other half of my pb&j for lunch around 3, more drawing, then I have dinner, then I hang out with Corey the rest of the night playing video games (Shan: Star Ocean II for PSP, Corey: Pokemon Platinum for DS, Shan & Corey: Army of Two) or going shopping. Good times. I would like to work though. Need the money and the productivity.

Sorry about the lack of Peons this week, after I had just started up again! Blame Windows for their stupid updates that break everything!!

I got the sudden urge for some therapy last week so I called my psychiatrist (a first for me, since mom said “You can do it! Go ahead!”) and asked if he had any appointments. “Had any appointments.” That’s what I said. I obsessed over this, because of course he has appointments, he’s a psychiatrist. He has tons of appointments. What I meant to say was, “had any AVAILABLE appointments.” Just a teeny tiny mix up that he himself wouldn’t care about but my obsessive mind picked up on after the phone call and wouldn’t let go of for a while. >_< This is why I don’t like to use the phone, because the tiniest mistake becomes a big deal and is just draining.

So an appointment was eventually made for that Friday. It was a hypnosis appointment. We had a plan, a rather iffy plan, but a plan nonetheless. I had asked him at my last session whether he could do suggestive hypnosis (because he does past life regression which is a form of hypnosis therapy), and tell me over and over to “get a job, hippy”. It piqued his interest and he said there was something we could try, where we substitute the symptoms of my panic for another symptom, such as a pain in my knee. So every time I would have a panic attack, I would get a more manageable pain in my knee instead of the crippling affects of panic (tightness in chest, shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, fear, sense of doom, need to escape/curl up into a ball). Why does it have to be a negative symptom? Well, I’m not sure, but I can’t really think of a powerful enough positive feeling besides an orgasm, and I don’t think that would be a good idea. O_o

My psychiatrist said he had a new patient who had done this by herself. A single mother of three children had no patience for panic attacks and ended up turning her panic attacks into hives. No more panic attacks! Just hives. So, it can be done. I know it all sounds far-fetched, but panic attacks to begin with don’t make any sense, so I am willing to try anything to get rid of them.

I sat down in the hypnosis recliner (a fancy leather red one, very comfy), and he jotted down things that made me panic and my symptoms. Then he asked if there was anything new. I mentioned that Corey had nearly broken it off with me again. “You guys just like to take turns on that or something?” he said. It would  seem that way this year, though it’s been Corey’s turn for a while now >_<

Then we got down to the progressive relaxation. It’s hard for me to get relaxed. I try, I really do, but it’s no good. What usually helps is tensing each part of my body separately and then relaxing it. But for me, relaxation just takes a lot of time laying still. My psychiatrist tells me what part of my body to relax and guides me through it. Then he tells me to go deeper, into a trance I guess, but meh, I don’t know if that works or not. Doesn’t matter, my subconscious is curious by then, and it’s listening. My psychiatrist starts off by saying we understand why my body goes into panic mode and why I have all these symptoms, and that he respects why my body does so (I liked that he was trying not to insult my subconscious or the way my body works), but now we need to change the way my body reacts. He told my subconscious and body that from now on whenever I felt panic I wouldn’t feel (list of symptoms) but instead I would feel a pain, a dull ache, in my left knee (left because I needed my right one to drive). I felt panic in my chest drain away and an aching in my knee as he was talking. I felt them both come and go, like a cycle. As if my body was practicing.

Then, something weird happened. My head tilted to the right. Really far to the right. It was really uncomfortable, but I didn’t feel I could move it back, so I just left it there the rest of the time. When the doc brought me back and I opened my eyes, my head wasn’t tilted at all, I was staring straight ahead. He said I had never tilted my head, but I swear it had felt tilted for quite a while, up until the very moment I opened my eyes! That was creepy.

Now, every time I feel panic, I try to convert it to pain in my knee. It’s supposed to happen automatically eventually, but hypnosis takes a while to set in, sometimes a month or two needs to go by. Sometimes not! If it doesn’t work, oh well. Back to the drawing board. I think just reaching out to my subconscious is good for me anyway.^_^

I do have good news, I was able to go to the store today all by myself! I needed wrapping paper to wrap some gifts so I got the keys to the Expedition, got in it, drove down the street to CVS, took way too long to decide on three things of wrapping paper, purchased it and went home! All by myself! I am so proud. The whole time I told myself to feel the panic in my knee. I really didn’t feel any panic at all. Okay, just a little in the beginning.

With the sudden urgency to find a job, I found the perfect one! A job as a pharmaceutical technician at a place where I’d be in the back, counting pills with other techs with no customer service and the possibility of getting to wear a lab coat (one of my goals in life because lab coats are just sexy fun). There was no guarantee about the lab coat but maybe I’d wear one anyway. Who would want to approach me and tell me not to? So, I applied for this job by sending my puny resume in and I got a phone call a couple days later. I attribute my success with getting jobs not only to the fact that I never really want jobs but because my high school GPA is ridiculously high.
Unfortunately, I had to pick up the phone. The conversation was a bit shaky on my end, but I managed to confuse my way through some questions, such as “Why did you quit your last job?” The truth being because I cannot hold a job due to panic attacks, but that will not get me a new job, so I said, “Because I had been traveling back and forth to Boone to visit my boyfriend and it just wasn’t working out.” … ??? She took it, whatever it meant. She set me up with an interview/tour of the facility the following Friday.
The problem to come up now is driving. I had to be able to drive there. I hadn’t been driving much at all, and could barely drive down the street to the grocery store. Would I be able to make it to work? I drove with my mom down to their building and found it to be a long drive, a little challenging for me. More problems began to arise, feelings of doom, despair, fear, helplessness crept over me as I thought about working, especially at a place I couldn’t picture in my head. The reason I’d had a little success working at the grocery store was because I frequently visit the store and am comfortable with it, and I’d worked at a grocery store when I was young and stable.
After countless crying spells and moments of panic, I decided I wasn’t ready for this new job and e-mailed the lady, telling her the drive was too much for me (which was true) and that I was sorry for the inconvenience, thank you for her time, blah blah. So, there goes my dream job.
To make things worse, my Adderall has crapped out on me. I have built up a tolerance to my dosage, and it no longer drives me to work on things like it once did. And, if I don’t take it, I get depressed. So, I need to have a talk with my psychiatrist about whether I need to get off the stuff all together or whether I need to up the dosage. I would really like Adderall to work for me like it did, because I felt so motivated and got a lot of work done. I was happy and proud, and confident in myself.
Currently, I feel like getting a job again. This time, I want back at Harris Teeter. I know, I know, I go there for 3-4 weeks and then quit, but the grocery store is the only place I’m able to take the first step at, so it has to be the place I push through at. Will they give me a job again, after I keep abusing them? That’s for me to find out. The only reason I feel up to trying is because my old boss has disappeared and a new boss has stepped in. Now I can bother someone else this time. I’m considering asking them to not let me quit, no matter what I say, because I always regret it. Maybe I could ask to be a stock girl this time.
Anyway, I have a plan. I will try and work as a bagger as long as possible. Then, once I’ve proven myself stable, I will switch to the pharmacy within the grocery store and be a pharmaceutical tech there. That is a better paying job with better benefits (and a lab coat).
In other news, we have decided not to sell the house. Our mortgage is just too good, and there are no houses besides this one that we’d want for a better deal than this. We weren’t getting any showings anyway! I am glad the parents decided not to sell. This house is beautiful and has everything we could ever want. Perfect for adopting kids, too, which my parents are getting started on. We are all going to an informational meeting about foster care tonight. There will be adoptable children there! How exciting! First you have to get certified for foster care, which takes classes. Then you foster the child/children you want to adopt for several months, then you adopt them if you and they agree to it. But I suppose I’ll know more after tonight.
My parents are thinking about adopting one older child, a 17 year-old, because they want them to have a chance to have a family for when they go off into the world, and a younger-older child, like an 8-12 year-old. But I suppose it mostly depends on who you meet that needs adopting. I think we should adopt them all! More brothers and sisters for me!

There’s a drug I’ve always wanted to try, and it’s called Adderall. I know it’s wrong to always rely on the power of drugs, but seeing as how it’s been about four years since I’ve been able to whip out drawings or enjoy things for more than 10 minutes at a time like I did once long ago, I figure it’s about time I give up on my own willpower and indulge in a tasty stimulant treat.

Adderall is a drug used to treat A.D.D. and is also used by college students who want to cram for a test and need some super focus. I wondered if it could help me sit my ass down, stop pacing constantly and get some drawing and writing done. The more productive I am, the happier I am, and so it would fight my depression as well. I sent my psychiatrist some telepathic messages that went, “Adderall Adderall, prescribe me Adderall” and sure enough, I got it!

The way the drug affected me the first day makes me feel like I was getting away with something illegal, it was that good. It must’ve been a combination of placebo and the true affect of the drug, because I was a superwoman. Instead of one idea for a comic strip for the day I came up with three ideas. I finished the comic before the time I usually start. Then I drew some manga! For hours! No pacing!

My mind felt open and free, and I was able to talk more. My parents said it was like I was a little drunk, the way I was opening up and talking so much. Usually I am very quiet, but I prefer this! Being able to hold a conversation! I even drove to the grocery store and back, in the dark. Granted, the grocery store is barely a mile away, but it’s more than I’ve done in a long time.

The only problem was I wasn’t able to sleep that night. I had taken two pills during the day, as instructed. So, the next day, I only took one. Slept better. Next day, took one and a half. Slept great.

After the first day I wasn’t as tweaked but I still could concentrate on any task I wanted for as long as I wanted without hitting a mental block after a short period of time. I almost feel like a normal person. At least, as normal as I can be.

As you know, I have been dying to get a dog for some time now. But all of my begging and begging does nothing for me, as my parents are an immovable force. Then, one night, my mom comes to me and whispers, despite no one being within hearing, “Your father is looking at dogs on the computer downstairs! You’d better go down there, quick!” And I do so, casually, innocently, getting myself a new soda even though I didn’t need one, and of course Dad coughs and closes his laptop as soon as I enter the room.

Later that night I come downstairs and Mom says, “Do you want to tell her, Jeff?” And instantly I knew I was getting a dog, but I played dumb. “What is it?” I asked. They joked, “We’re getting a divorce.” They thought that was funny. “You seem awfully happy about it,” I said. They giggled for some reason. Then, they explained that Dad had found the perfect dog for our family. His name was Rusty and he was a Yorkshire Terrier, young, a small breed of dog, which we wanted, was exceptionally cute and cuddly, and he needed to be rescued from the pound. Sounded perfect to me! We planned to go pick him up the next morning and so I struggled to go to sleep, being so excited about my new puppy.

The next morning Mom and I checked the pound’s website and Rusty was gone. We called in and confirmed that he had been adopted that morning. -_-
I was disillusioned but Rusty still set the stage for my getting a dog. The parents weren’t going to back out now! There wasn’t any place nearby to go visit any dogs except for the pet store, so Mom took me to the Pet Pad, a place we knew had puppies, albeit expensive puppies, to get my fix. Just to hold me over until I could find another dog.

That’s where I found this adorable Papillon puppy. We got to play with her, (my preference in pets is male although this one was enough to make me reconsider just this once) and she was so soft and spunky. She did, however, bite my arm quite roughly and I still have some scratches and a nasty bruise from it. I didn’t know how to handle that situation. “Um, stop… ow… who’s a good doggie?” We considered getting her because we fell in love, until we considered the price, which we didn’t love. $700 for a dog the size of a kitten? No.

Then, there’s Craigslist. Oh, Craigslist. You have so many Pomeranians, one of my favorite dogs, because they look just like foxes, only poofier. Poofy foxes. I read that they are intelligent but my friend assures me that I was misinformed, and that they are not. It doesn’t matter, I would get one just the same, as they look like my favorite animal, and the fox is an intelligent animal. That’s close enough to being smart. So, I bothered one of the ladies giving away a Pomeranian on Craigslist until she agreed to let me meet the dog. She said lots of people were interested but I was the most “persistent.” She was giving away her Pom Carlo because she was a nurse with three kids and was just too busy to take care of this attention-thriving creature. The kids did not care about the dog because it was also a non-neutered love machine and that can get pretty annoying. The dog was gorgeous! We instantly fell in love with him, took him home, and lived happily ever after.

Except that he wasn’t housebroken like the lady claimed, and we were allergic to him. Mom developed this awful cough and the sniffles while I sneezed a couple times, not so bad as Mom. The dog had to mark everything in his path. I took him out constantly to prevent it, but it still didn’t work. If you turned your back for a second, there was more pee!

So, we knew he had to go. But where? The humane society and other organizations besides the pound don’t take personal pets in, so was the pound the only option besides putting him on Craigslist or Petfinder.com and waiting for this non-housebroken pet to get adopted? We decided that maybe we should take him to the pound, but I had a nightmare I took him to the pound and they tried to euthanize him right then and there. It wasn’t a good feeling. I mentioned the dog situation to my friend Devin and he mentioned it to his mother, who happened to be friends with Maureen, with Best Friend Pet Adoption! www.bfpa.org! She set me up with them and Carlo got adopted through them in only a couple days! I’m so grateful to them!
Carlo’s new family is used to pets with special needs so I’m sure they’ll be able to take good care of Carlo. He needs a lot of training. I hope he is trainable. When we met the adoptees in Petco he tinkled on the floor four times!

You know he doesn’t bark? That’s something great about him, and I loved taking him for walks. I miss that. Here’s some pics of him:



Will we get another dog? WHO KNOWS!

The past couple of weeks I’ve been in Boone, staying with Corey in his teeny tiny apartment, enjoying my time there. On the way up to Boone we stopped at the JR Outlets, not sure if they have those everywhere but it’s one of those places with billboards for miles and miles before you get to their exit, and when we got to it, it was very unimpressive. We also went to an antique store across from the Outlet store which was infinitely more fun. Corey and I love to shop, whether we buy anything or not. Hopefully not. In the end I did buy Amadeus on VHS and a bust of some colonial fellow with an unimpressed, holier-than-thou look on his face and Corey bought a surgical kit from World War II. Swear that boy was a surgeon in the war in a past life.

Next week we went to the Wilkesboro flea market and cattle sale with Corey’s friend Will and Corey came out with something very special there. He got a free kitten. The decision, despite going against his parents, seemed fairly easy for him, especially with my support and his wanting an all black kitten for a long time now. So, we put the kitten in a box and carried it out of the market with us.

The first problem that arose was that the kitten was panting, obviously dehydrated. We all were, really. It was friggin’ hot out, and they hadn’t brought water for the kittens. Bad idea. So we stopped at Sonic and gave the kitten some water and bits of chicken nuggets and it, rather, “Quve” (Koo-vay), named after M’Quve from Gundam 0079, perked right up. The second problem came up when we took the kitten into the pet store and someone that worked there recognized symptoms of conjunctivitis (pink eye) in the cat. He did have really goopy eyes and a runny nose, but we didn’t think anything of it because he was a baby. Babies are gooey. I had even asked the lady giving out the kittens if there was anything wrong with them, and she had said no! I think she would’ve known about this. She lied to me! So, Corey had an expensive vet bill right off the bat. I can’t help but feel responsible.

The third problem that arose was the crying. Quve would not stop crying, and we already knew it was risky having him in the apartment because Corey isn’t allowed to have pets, and having a noisy one is even more risky. The reason for the crying apparently is loneliness and it did go away after a couple weeks. A couple weeks! Trapped in that tiny apartment with something that won’t stop yelling at me!

My parents offered to come visit/come get me early because Corey wasn’t going to go home/take me home for another week, making my stay a whopping four weeks as opposed to a manageable three. Corey didn’t like this idea at all, but my parents decided to come up anyway just to visit, and in the end I managed to convince Corey of my leaving and I went home with my parents.

Last week my parents and I drove up to Lake Conesus where my Uncle Tom has a house right on the lake! (The one on the right):

We came up so that our relatives could go on vacation while we stayed for a week and took care of my Grandpa who has Parkinsons and needs constant attention. He’s doing very well and it was great to see him. I haven’t seen Grandpa in a couple years. He had lost a lot of weight, which is worrisome, but with all the constant ice cream that man intakes he should gain something! Here’s Grandpa and I:

Dad had a blast driving my Uncle’s boat around. I had fun riding in it, though I was a bit anxious. When it came time to go swimming I was terrified, and as soon as I jumped into the water I started hyperventilating! What is wrong with me!? Dad tried to drag me back to the boat but I wanted to do it myself, despite the hyperventilating. It was really hard to calm down, still being in the water, but I stayed out of the boat and eventually regained my composure. Dad helped me climb onto the tube we brought along to go tubing with. And then, I went tubing! It was okay, since I was terrified of that too, but I stayed on and Dad tried not to knock me off instead of the other way around. I can see how it’d be fun and it could even be relaxing.

Here’s Dad driving the boat:
Ohhh but staying at the lake was heavenly! The house was soooo beautiful inside and out and the view every morning was gorgeous! I know I don’t work but we never have actual vacations and to think my Uncle lives at the perfect place to have one! Nice!

Oh, and we went to the casino and I could not for the life of me understand the point of it. Why must I give these machines my money for no reason?? Then, I turn around, put my voucher in a machine, press the button, and win 40 bucks. 40 bucks! I didn’t even know I had won so much money until I printed out my cash voucher! Then I refused to play more after that. Chaching!