I have decided to turn my life into a video game, where I have to level up my stats to improve my character, me. I am starting over at level 0 for all my stats. These stats aren’t like Strength or Charisma (which would both be in the negatives for me) but rather stats like Drawing and Cooking. I will have a requirement for each stat to gain a point, like for Drawing it will take two comic panels to gain one point, and it will take 25 points to reach level 1. Then it will take 50 points to reach level 2, and 75 points to reach level 3 and onward. Here are the stats I have come up with so far:

Drawing 1 pt = 2 panels
Writing 1 pt = 3 pages
Blogging 1 pt = 3 pages
Twitter 1 pt = 20 posts
Forum 1 pt = 20 posts
Cooking 1 pt = 1 meal
Cleaning 1 pt = 10 acts
Laundry 1 pt = 1 load
Driving 1 pt = 2 trips
Social 1 pt = 5 interactions
Pushups (girly) 1 pt = 250 pushups
Squats 1 pt = 250 squats
Crunches 1 pt = 250 crunches
Jump rope 1 pt = 1000 jumps
Steps  1 pt = 30,000 steps

In other news, we are training Moochi, the sweetest cat we have ever had, has been terrorizing the neighborhood. He had been missing for a couple days when finally a man knocks at our door, bearing Moochi in a TRAP! He had captured Moochi via this trap and a can of fancy feast (oh Moochi), trying to catch feral cats that had been eating his birds. His birds? Yes, birds, in his yard, wild birds. BIRDS. There are plenty to go around, mister. Have some of ours, jeez. I hate them. Apparently he was also helping out his neighbors, who were having trouble with two cats, one feral one Moochi, who hung out on their back porch and pissed off their indoor cats, causing them to act up and do bad things in the house. Now, because they couldn’t scare off a couple of cats, we have to torture Moochi with an invisible fence or risk losing him. He can’t be trained on the litterbox because he’s too old and he sprays, despite being neutered.
This invisible fence training is brutal. It should be simple, but it’s not. Moochi doesn’t get it at all. He runs straight through the fence despite being shocked, and we have to train him despite instinct to run back into the yard once he feels the shock. It’s going to take months, and he won’t pee while on a harness and tie-out, which is how we’re supposed to train him, so he’s been peeing in the house, on the guest bed. >_<  (Who wants to come for a visit?)
I take him out on the harness and leash and that seems to work better, but he still won’t pee or poop, not in front of me (how polite). Today I tried to teach him that the flags lining the boundary were scary by shaking the flags and going “BAD” “BAD!” “BAD” like we’re supposed to and he just rolled over and asked me to pet his tummy. ;__;
In conclusion, not going well. I wish he could just be an indoor cat but that would be torture in itself for Moochi, who was once a feral cat and loves to hunt and needs the outdoors.

I haven’t updated in a while O_O I’m still alive, I assure you, and doing well! Several things have changed with this new year. First of all, I have not had any anxiety. Ever since my hypnosis session my anxieties slowly dissolved into nothing. I don’t get knee pain in place of anxiety, I just get NOTHING! No panic, no fullness of the chest, no quickened breath or heartrate, nothing. For instance, I have been driving (!) to Corey’s house, and when I decide to go it doesn’t take me an hour of standing in front of the garage door with the car keys in my hand to finally decide not to go. I just go and don’t think about it, and I feel confident. I think all I needed was to have my subconscious get a good talking to, and that was accomplished in the hypnosis session.
I’m not the most confident driver yet… I am a safe driver, but I cannot go at a consistent speed. One minute I am going 45 (the speed limit) the next I am going 40, and the next I am going 50 (but never over 50. Usually going 50 due to pressure from behind me). You do not want to get stuck behind me. I also slow down when cars come on the other side of the road, which is a behavior of drunken drivers, so I just hope someone behind me doesn’t call me in to the police one day >_<.

Another good thing that has happened is that I’ve signed up with Vocational Rehabilitation, a government organization that helps people who cannot get jobs on their own (generally people with mental illness or physical disabilities) obtain jobs and keep those jobs with counseling and mentoring. I really need an advocate to help me get a job that’s not my parents. Why can’t I get a job on my own? Because I need my employer to know about my depression and panic attacks, in case I have a panic attack at work and need to leave, and I don’t want to have to quit, like I have in the past. I haven’t worked at a place for more than 4 weeks in the past 4 years due to my panic attacks and depression. I don’t have the confidence to explain my situation on my own, and most employers aren’t going to want to deal with me, unless they already have a deal with the government (probably getting a tax break) through the vocational rehab program.

Unfortunately the rehab place (that sounds weird… like I’m going to rehab) cannot fit me into orientation until a month from now, Feb 23rd. I have to wait a month just to get started! But, that’s okay. I need to work on my driving. Also, my Grandpa is coming to visit in the time between then, so I’ll be occupied. The good news is that one of the jobs they mentioned they help you obtain is pharmaceutical technican! I may certainly steer them towards that!

BAD NEWS: My Cintiq is not working anymore with my new laptop/Windows 7. The monitor will turn on, but the pen will not move the cursor, even though the screen acknowledges that the pen is touching the screen (LED lights up when it touches). It works with my old laptop, so it’s safe to say that the Cintiq itself and the pen is not broken (thank God, could not afford a new one), but I cannot figure out how to make it work on the new laptop again. It was working perfectly for quite a while, and then suddenly it just stopped working! I have a feeling one of the automatic Windows updates crashed it. I’ve done a lot to try and fix it, such as re-installing drivers, rebooting a million times, changing settings, talking to Wacom, but I think the key to this is a system restore, which will bring my computer back in time before certain Windows updates. However, the system restores are NOT WORKING. Dammit! I’ve tried three times, with different restore points even, and it still is not working. GREAT. Today I am going to try in safe mode and see if that works. I’ll let you know.

My days pretty much go the same every day. In the morning I wake up, take my pills, put on my clothes and my new polka dot robe that I just bought for a steal from Belks (Corey didn’t want me to get it because it’s a large, but it fits fine if you roll up the sleeves once, and I had my eye on the robe for a couple months, finally got it! ROBE GET!) Then I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and eat half for breakfast. Next I play some Castle Age on Facebook (I am addicted to this game). I pretty much spend my whole day playing. Although you can’t play constantly because you have to wait a loooong time to recover stamina and energy before you can play again >_< If my Cintiq works, I work on drawing. Then I eat the other half of my pb&j for lunch around 3, more drawing, then I have dinner, then I hang out with Corey the rest of the night playing video games (Shan: Star Ocean II for PSP, Corey: Pokemon Platinum for DS, Shan & Corey: Army of Two) or going shopping. Good times. I would like to work though. Need the money and the productivity.

Sorry about the lack of Peons this week, after I had just started up again! Blame Windows for their stupid updates that break everything!!

I got the sudden urge for some therapy last week so I called my psychiatrist (a first for me, since mom said “You can do it! Go ahead!”) and asked if he had any appointments. “Had any appointments.” That’s what I said. I obsessed over this, because of course he has appointments, he’s a psychiatrist. He has tons of appointments. What I meant to say was, “had any AVAILABLE appointments.” Just a teeny tiny mix up that he himself wouldn’t care about but my obsessive mind picked up on after the phone call and wouldn’t let go of for a while. >_< This is why I don’t like to use the phone, because the tiniest mistake becomes a big deal and is just draining.

So an appointment was eventually made for that Friday. It was a hypnosis appointment. We had a plan, a rather iffy plan, but a plan nonetheless. I had asked him at my last session whether he could do suggestive hypnosis (because he does past life regression which is a form of hypnosis therapy), and tell me over and over to “get a job, hippy”. It piqued his interest and he said there was something we could try, where we substitute the symptoms of my panic for another symptom, such as a pain in my knee. So every time I would have a panic attack, I would get a more manageable pain in my knee instead of the crippling affects of panic (tightness in chest, shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, fear, sense of doom, need to escape/curl up into a ball). Why does it have to be a negative symptom? Well, I’m not sure, but I can’t really think of a powerful enough positive feeling besides an orgasm, and I don’t think that would be a good idea. O_o

My psychiatrist said he had a new patient who had done this by herself. A single mother of three children had no patience for panic attacks and ended up turning her panic attacks into hives. No more panic attacks! Just hives. So, it can be done. I know it all sounds far-fetched, but panic attacks to begin with don’t make any sense, so I am willing to try anything to get rid of them.

I sat down in the hypnosis recliner (a fancy leather red one, very comfy), and he jotted down things that made me panic and my symptoms. Then he asked if there was anything new. I mentioned that Corey had nearly broken it off with me again. “You guys just like to take turns on that or something?” he said. It would  seem that way this year, though it’s been Corey’s turn for a while now >_<

Then we got down to the progressive relaxation. It’s hard for me to get relaxed. I try, I really do, but it’s no good. What usually helps is tensing each part of my body separately and then relaxing it. But for me, relaxation just takes a lot of time laying still. My psychiatrist tells me what part of my body to relax and guides me through it. Then he tells me to go deeper, into a trance I guess, but meh, I don’t know if that works or not. Doesn’t matter, my subconscious is curious by then, and it’s listening. My psychiatrist starts off by saying we understand why my body goes into panic mode and why I have all these symptoms, and that he respects why my body does so (I liked that he was trying not to insult my subconscious or the way my body works), but now we need to change the way my body reacts. He told my subconscious and body that from now on whenever I felt panic I wouldn’t feel (list of symptoms) but instead I would feel a pain, a dull ache, in my left knee (left because I needed my right one to drive). I felt panic in my chest drain away and an aching in my knee as he was talking. I felt them both come and go, like a cycle. As if my body was practicing.

Then, something weird happened. My head tilted to the right. Really far to the right. It was really uncomfortable, but I didn’t feel I could move it back, so I just left it there the rest of the time. When the doc brought me back and I opened my eyes, my head wasn’t tilted at all, I was staring straight ahead. He said I had never tilted my head, but I swear it had felt tilted for quite a while, up until the very moment I opened my eyes! That was creepy.

Now, every time I feel panic, I try to convert it to pain in my knee. It’s supposed to happen automatically eventually, but hypnosis takes a while to set in, sometimes a month or two needs to go by. Sometimes not! If it doesn’t work, oh well. Back to the drawing board. I think just reaching out to my subconscious is good for me anyway.^_^

I do have good news, I was able to go to the store today all by myself! I needed wrapping paper to wrap some gifts so I got the keys to the Expedition, got in it, drove down the street to CVS, took way too long to decide on three things of wrapping paper, purchased it and went home! All by myself! I am so proud. The whole time I told myself to feel the panic in my knee. I really didn’t feel any panic at all. Okay, just a little in the beginning.

With the sudden urgency to find a job, I found the perfect one! A job as a pharmaceutical technician at a place where I’d be in the back, counting pills with other techs with no customer service and the possibility of getting to wear a lab coat (one of my goals in life because lab coats are just sexy fun). There was no guarantee about the lab coat but maybe I’d wear one anyway. Who would want to approach me and tell me not to? So, I applied for this job by sending my puny resume in and I got a phone call a couple days later. I attribute my success with getting jobs not only to the fact that I never really want jobs but because my high school GPA is ridiculously high.
Unfortunately, I had to pick up the phone. The conversation was a bit shaky on my end, but I managed to confuse my way through some questions, such as “Why did you quit your last job?” The truth being because I cannot hold a job due to panic attacks, but that will not get me a new job, so I said, “Because I had been traveling back and forth to Boone to visit my boyfriend and it just wasn’t working out.” … ??? She took it, whatever it meant. She set me up with an interview/tour of the facility the following Friday.
The problem to come up now is driving. I had to be able to drive there. I hadn’t been driving much at all, and could barely drive down the street to the grocery store. Would I be able to make it to work? I drove with my mom down to their building and found it to be a long drive, a little challenging for me. More problems began to arise, feelings of doom, despair, fear, helplessness crept over me as I thought about working, especially at a place I couldn’t picture in my head. The reason I’d had a little success working at the grocery store was because I frequently visit the store and am comfortable with it, and I’d worked at a grocery store when I was young and stable.
After countless crying spells and moments of panic, I decided I wasn’t ready for this new job and e-mailed the lady, telling her the drive was too much for me (which was true) and that I was sorry for the inconvenience, thank you for her time, blah blah. So, there goes my dream job.
To make things worse, my Adderall has crapped out on me. I have built up a tolerance to my dosage, and it no longer drives me to work on things like it once did. And, if I don’t take it, I get depressed. So, I need to have a talk with my psychiatrist about whether I need to get off the stuff all together or whether I need to up the dosage. I would really like Adderall to work for me like it did, because I felt so motivated and got a lot of work done. I was happy and proud, and confident in myself.
Currently, I feel like getting a job again. This time, I want back at Harris Teeter. I know, I know, I go there for 3-4 weeks and then quit, but the grocery store is the only place I’m able to take the first step at, so it has to be the place I push through at. Will they give me a job again, after I keep abusing them? That’s for me to find out. The only reason I feel up to trying is because my old boss has disappeared and a new boss has stepped in. Now I can bother someone else this time. I’m considering asking them to not let me quit, no matter what I say, because I always regret it. Maybe I could ask to be a stock girl this time.
Anyway, I have a plan. I will try and work as a bagger as long as possible. Then, once I’ve proven myself stable, I will switch to the pharmacy within the grocery store and be a pharmaceutical tech there. That is a better paying job with better benefits (and a lab coat).
In other news, we have decided not to sell the house. Our mortgage is just too good, and there are no houses besides this one that we’d want for a better deal than this. We weren’t getting any showings anyway! I am glad the parents decided not to sell. This house is beautiful and has everything we could ever want. Perfect for adopting kids, too, which my parents are getting started on. We are all going to an informational meeting about foster care tonight. There will be adoptable children there! How exciting! First you have to get certified for foster care, which takes classes. Then you foster the child/children you want to adopt for several months, then you adopt them if you and they agree to it. But I suppose I’ll know more after tonight.
My parents are thinking about adopting one older child, a 17 year-old, because they want them to have a chance to have a family for when they go off into the world, and a younger-older child, like an 8-12 year-old. But I suppose it mostly depends on who you meet that needs adopting. I think we should adopt them all! More brothers and sisters for me!

There’s a drug I’ve always wanted to try, and it’s called Adderall. I know it’s wrong to always rely on the power of drugs, but seeing as how it’s been about four years since I’ve been able to whip out drawings or enjoy things for more than 10 minutes at a time like I did once long ago, I figure it’s about time I give up on my own willpower and indulge in a tasty stimulant treat.

Adderall is a drug used to treat A.D.D. and is also used by college students who want to cram for a test and need some super focus. I wondered if it could help me sit my ass down, stop pacing constantly and get some drawing and writing done. The more productive I am, the happier I am, and so it would fight my depression as well. I sent my psychiatrist some telepathic messages that went, “Adderall Adderall, prescribe me Adderall” and sure enough, I got it!

The way the drug affected me the first day makes me feel like I was getting away with something illegal, it was that good. It must’ve been a combination of placebo and the true affect of the drug, because I was a superwoman. Instead of one idea for a comic strip for the day I came up with three ideas. I finished the comic before the time I usually start. Then I drew some manga! For hours! No pacing!

My mind felt open and free, and I was able to talk more. My parents said it was like I was a little drunk, the way I was opening up and talking so much. Usually I am very quiet, but I prefer this! Being able to hold a conversation! I even drove to the grocery store and back, in the dark. Granted, the grocery store is barely a mile away, but it’s more than I’ve done in a long time.

The only problem was I wasn’t able to sleep that night. I had taken two pills during the day, as instructed. So, the next day, I only took one. Slept better. Next day, took one and a half. Slept great.

After the first day I wasn’t as tweaked but I still could concentrate on any task I wanted for as long as I wanted without hitting a mental block after a short period of time. I almost feel like a normal person. At least, as normal as I can be.

As you know, I have been dying to get a dog for some time now. But all of my begging and begging does nothing for me, as my parents are an immovable force. Then, one night, my mom comes to me and whispers, despite no one being within hearing, “Your father is looking at dogs on the computer downstairs! You’d better go down there, quick!” And I do so, casually, innocently, getting myself a new soda even though I didn’t need one, and of course Dad coughs and closes his laptop as soon as I enter the room.

Later that night I come downstairs and Mom says, “Do you want to tell her, Jeff?” And instantly I knew I was getting a dog, but I played dumb. “What is it?” I asked. They joked, “We’re getting a divorce.” They thought that was funny. “You seem awfully happy about it,” I said. They giggled for some reason. Then, they explained that Dad had found the perfect dog for our family. His name was Rusty and he was a Yorkshire Terrier, young, a small breed of dog, which we wanted, was exceptionally cute and cuddly, and he needed to be rescued from the pound. Sounded perfect to me! We planned to go pick him up the next morning and so I struggled to go to sleep, being so excited about my new puppy.

The next morning Mom and I checked the pound’s website and Rusty was gone. We called in and confirmed that he had been adopted that morning. -_-
I was disillusioned but Rusty still set the stage for my getting a dog. The parents weren’t going to back out now! There wasn’t any place nearby to go visit any dogs except for the pet store, so Mom took me to the Pet Pad, a place we knew had puppies, albeit expensive puppies, to get my fix. Just to hold me over until I could find another dog.

That’s where I found this adorable Papillon puppy. We got to play with her, (my preference in pets is male although this one was enough to make me reconsider just this once) and she was so soft and spunky. She did, however, bite my arm quite roughly and I still have some scratches and a nasty bruise from it. I didn’t know how to handle that situation. “Um, stop… ow… who’s a good doggie?” We considered getting her because we fell in love, until we considered the price, which we didn’t love. $700 for a dog the size of a kitten? No.

Then, there’s Craigslist. Oh, Craigslist. You have so many Pomeranians, one of my favorite dogs, because they look just like foxes, only poofier. Poofy foxes. I read that they are intelligent but my friend assures me that I was misinformed, and that they are not. It doesn’t matter, I would get one just the same, as they look like my favorite animal, and the fox is an intelligent animal. That’s close enough to being smart. So, I bothered one of the ladies giving away a Pomeranian on Craigslist until she agreed to let me meet the dog. She said lots of people were interested but I was the most “persistent.” She was giving away her Pom Carlo because she was a nurse with three kids and was just too busy to take care of this attention-thriving creature. The kids did not care about the dog because it was also a non-neutered love machine and that can get pretty annoying. The dog was gorgeous! We instantly fell in love with him, took him home, and lived happily ever after.

Except that he wasn’t housebroken like the lady claimed, and we were allergic to him. Mom developed this awful cough and the sniffles while I sneezed a couple times, not so bad as Mom. The dog had to mark everything in his path. I took him out constantly to prevent it, but it still didn’t work. If you turned your back for a second, there was more pee!

So, we knew he had to go. But where? The humane society and other organizations besides the pound don’t take personal pets in, so was the pound the only option besides putting him on Craigslist or Petfinder.com and waiting for this non-housebroken pet to get adopted? We decided that maybe we should take him to the pound, but I had a nightmare I took him to the pound and they tried to euthanize him right then and there. It wasn’t a good feeling. I mentioned the dog situation to my friend Devin and he mentioned it to his mother, who happened to be friends with Maureen, with Best Friend Pet Adoption! www.bfpa.org! She set me up with them and Carlo got adopted through them in only a couple days! I’m so grateful to them!
Carlo’s new family is used to pets with special needs so I’m sure they’ll be able to take good care of Carlo. He needs a lot of training. I hope he is trainable. When we met the adoptees in Petco he tinkled on the floor four times!

You know he doesn’t bark? That’s something great about him, and I loved taking him for walks. I miss that. Here’s some pics of him:



Will we get another dog? WHO KNOWS!

The past couple of weeks I’ve been in Boone, staying with Corey in his teeny tiny apartment, enjoying my time there. On the way up to Boone we stopped at the JR Outlets, not sure if they have those everywhere but it’s one of those places with billboards for miles and miles before you get to their exit, and when we got to it, it was very unimpressive. We also went to an antique store across from the Outlet store which was infinitely more fun. Corey and I love to shop, whether we buy anything or not. Hopefully not. In the end I did buy Amadeus on VHS and a bust of some colonial fellow with an unimpressed, holier-than-thou look on his face and Corey bought a surgical kit from World War II. Swear that boy was a surgeon in the war in a past life.

Next week we went to the Wilkesboro flea market and cattle sale with Corey’s friend Will and Corey came out with something very special there. He got a free kitten. The decision, despite going against his parents, seemed fairly easy for him, especially with my support and his wanting an all black kitten for a long time now. So, we put the kitten in a box and carried it out of the market with us.

The first problem that arose was that the kitten was panting, obviously dehydrated. We all were, really. It was friggin’ hot out, and they hadn’t brought water for the kittens. Bad idea. So we stopped at Sonic and gave the kitten some water and bits of chicken nuggets and it, rather, “Quve” (Koo-vay), named after M’Quve from Gundam 0079, perked right up. The second problem came up when we took the kitten into the pet store and someone that worked there recognized symptoms of conjunctivitis (pink eye) in the cat. He did have really goopy eyes and a runny nose, but we didn’t think anything of it because he was a baby. Babies are gooey. I had even asked the lady giving out the kittens if there was anything wrong with them, and she had said no! I think she would’ve known about this. She lied to me! So, Corey had an expensive vet bill right off the bat. I can’t help but feel responsible.

The third problem that arose was the crying. Quve would not stop crying, and we already knew it was risky having him in the apartment because Corey isn’t allowed to have pets, and having a noisy one is even more risky. The reason for the crying apparently is loneliness and it did go away after a couple weeks. A couple weeks! Trapped in that tiny apartment with something that won’t stop yelling at me!

My parents offered to come visit/come get me early because Corey wasn’t going to go home/take me home for another week, making my stay a whopping four weeks as opposed to a manageable three. Corey didn’t like this idea at all, but my parents decided to come up anyway just to visit, and in the end I managed to convince Corey of my leaving and I went home with my parents.

Last week my parents and I drove up to Lake Conesus where my Uncle Tom has a house right on the lake! (The one on the right):

We came up so that our relatives could go on vacation while we stayed for a week and took care of my Grandpa who has Parkinsons and needs constant attention. He’s doing very well and it was great to see him. I haven’t seen Grandpa in a couple years. He had lost a lot of weight, which is worrisome, but with all the constant ice cream that man intakes he should gain something! Here’s Grandpa and I:

Dad had a blast driving my Uncle’s boat around. I had fun riding in it, though I was a bit anxious. When it came time to go swimming I was terrified, and as soon as I jumped into the water I started hyperventilating! What is wrong with me!? Dad tried to drag me back to the boat but I wanted to do it myself, despite the hyperventilating. It was really hard to calm down, still being in the water, but I stayed out of the boat and eventually regained my composure. Dad helped me climb onto the tube we brought along to go tubing with. And then, I went tubing! It was okay, since I was terrified of that too, but I stayed on and Dad tried not to knock me off instead of the other way around. I can see how it’d be fun and it could even be relaxing.

Here’s Dad driving the boat:
Ohhh but staying at the lake was heavenly! The house was soooo beautiful inside and out and the view every morning was gorgeous! I know I don’t work but we never have actual vacations and to think my Uncle lives at the perfect place to have one! Nice!

Oh, and we went to the casino and I could not for the life of me understand the point of it. Why must I give these machines my money for no reason?? Then, I turn around, put my voucher in a machine, press the button, and win 40 bucks. 40 bucks! I didn’t even know I had won so much money until I printed out my cash voucher! Then I refused to play more after that. Chaching!

I had a bad day of work yesterday. Felt like crying the whole time, then after three hours I finally got a break, so I used the restroom, sat, and considered fleeing. Fleeing! I wanted to run so desperately. And I mean, leaving work without telling anyone. And… then I did. I shed my orange vest in the breakroom and my legs carried me as quickly as they could out the store without anyone noticing and halfway to my car I started crying. I hyperventilated and sobbed the whole drive home and cried some more upon entering the house, where my parents were full of questions like, “Did you get fired?” “Did you quit?” “What happened??”

They called and told the manager I had a panic attack and had left and the manager was understanding. I still can’t believe I left >_< I only had an hour remaining but I could not imagine staying another second. Now I don’t know what to do. I’ve already had a nightmare about going back. What do I do? This is how it always goes. I fear my good mood has ended.

It’s Maya and Masumi from Glass Mask AND THEY’RE KISSING GASSSSP
EWWWWWWWWW.

Anyway, it’s been chaos around these parts. Yesterday we had a deck being built and hardwood floors being put in on the second floor and it was LOUD. Why are we getting these things when we are selling the house? To sell the house. It’s a shame we don’t get to enjoy them. Well, we got to enjoy the attic when we finished that to sell the house last time and ended up failing to sell. This time we must sell the house though. We must sell so Mom can pursue her career, Dad can pursue a less stressful life, and I can pursue a doggie. WOOF WOOF!

I am about ready to cut my foot off to get out of work. First it was just breaking a leg or two, now it is foot cutting. Actually, today it is even worse than that, I have actually been considering graphic arts college. College, blegh!

Lately I have been doing a lot of pacing. Did I mention the pacing already? I am still pacing, always pacing. Can’t sit still. Today I have an appointment with shrinky-poo so I will get this settled. More drugs. Bring on the drugs. Sure, they haven’t let me down or anything so far… nah.

I cannot sit still! I really should not have decreased my Abilify when I was doing so well. I was just absorbing food like a vacuum, which some drugs tend to make you do, and soon after I stopped taking 10 mg and went back to 5 mg, I went down a couple lbs again and returned to normal, humanlike food consumption. But now I pace about the house like a caged beast, which basically I am, thanks to the agoraphobia.

I have not been able to get any drawing or writing done like I had done on the 10 mg. I was whipping out results like crazy, one after another. Now there is nothing. I was blaming Persona 4, a video game I just got, at first, but it’s been a couple weeks and I’ve had plenty of time to play and work at the same time and when I sit down to draw I get antsy and irritated and have to do something else before I PEE MYSELF I AM SO FRUSTRATED WITH IT, even though I have done nothing.

I started work, however, and it worked well for my restlessness. Driving to work is life or death around my neighborhood, especially since there were 3 or 4 accidents in one week in the same intersection and one of them resulted in death, and another almost accident involved me nearly hitting a lady who couldn’t see me coming down the road at 45 mph and going when she had a stop sign… but I knew she couldn’t see me, that’s why there are so many accidents, so I was able to slam to a stop. We stood still in the middle of the intersection, everyone staring at us, thinking: Goddamn this intersection is dangerous, that woman should be dead. I would’ve killed someone that day! ME, killing someone! JESUS

How many deaths before we get a traffic light? There have to be so many accidents per year, apparently. The neighborhood held a 150 man march in the middle of the intersection last week, they marched in a circle in protest of how horrible the intersection was and demanded a traffic light. Had we known there was going to be this protest, we would’ve been there. It really is life or death and I have enough fear of leaving the house and getting in the car… driving around my own neighborhood should be easy!

Anyway, work. The other bagger was a 50-year old man, and he could also cashier, so they made him cashier, and thus I was the only bagger. So, I basically got carts the whole time in the heat. I don’t mind getting carts so it was okay, but I wish they didn’t take away the second bagger so I could have a break from it. I think people get a kick out of seeing cute lil Shannie-pie heaving six carts around the parking lot, her face bright red with effort and the heat. People really do look at me funny and help me out XD. I should make lil noises “nnyeh” “nnnnyeh” and fall down once in a while.

As for the people, I get along with the older folks. Rarely get along with people my own age unless they are nerds, and there aren’t many nerds working at the grocery store. They work at the bookstore or something, I don’t know where they are. So I hit it off with the older bagger right away. Found out he worked at the RBC center, where the Carolina Hurricanes play! Unfortunately, he says he wasn’t allowed to speak to them, not one word, or watch the games on break. What a ripoff! If I worked there, I would break that rule. I would hide in their lockers. When they opened it, I would go, “Shhhhh, Seidenburg, I’m not here!”

Wow, can’t believe I sat here for this long and wrote this all out! BYE

“When everything changes, change everything” is the title of the book my mother is reading currently. The title is all you need to read, really. We have decided to finally make the changes needed to recover from the loss of Andy, which starts with the first step: sell the house and downsize so all the financial responsibility is not on the shoulders of my father and so my mother is free to pursue her career as a real estate broker in this barren market.

After we downsize we will plant our new roots and grow from there. I was not into the idea of moving but I want my mom to be a realtor, I just love her in that role–it suits her perfectly–so I would do anything I could, but suddenly, and after I told my mom my psychiatrist agreed that a dog would be good for me, my mother said I could have  a dog in the new house! Udalaley, udalaley, golly what a day~

Instantaneously, I am into selling the house. Now I am cleaning out drawers and making staging plans for mine and Andy’s room (the Shancave currently with all my entertainment, tv, laptop, etc). Now, if it were only possible to sell a house in this market. >_<

This is the puppy I keep dreaming about! Literally dreaming. In dreams. I found a picture! Augh! My parents are impossible to move! They are mountains! MOUNTAINS! I am miserable now. Need puppy. Look a that puppy! Look how happy he would make Shannon! Puuuuppy! Puuuuppy!

Anyone know the breed on that? Bichon Frise? My Grandpa has one of those. I never got to see it as a puppy. Now I regret it! Wow! Adorable! Grandma’s doggie is adorable too, Winnie. Oh, Winnie looks like the dog in the picture, only golden blonde. I wonder if it is the same breed. I would take them both. Grandma and Grandpa need to come visit… =D

BrInG PUpPy

I broke up with Corey, my boyfriend of 9 years, several days ago. I did such a terrible thing because I have been tortured with feelings for Corey and another man and knew it was best to sort these feelings out separate from both. I only have a couple months before Corey returns to college and he wants me to choose before then.

Me, having to choose between two men! The thought! Corey has been my one and only since I was 13 years old. However, I could not help but fall for this other man as well, whom I will refer to as Murasaki no bara no hito (”Purple Flower Man”, a Glass Mask reference–yes, I’ll take any chance to refer to my beloved show) for privacy’s sake. It truly is possible to love two people.

So, I’ve hurt Corey and he’s hurt me, though I’ve changed my mind and decided it’s better not to go into that on here. I don’t know what is going to happen next.

Anyway. Yesterday I went for GOLF. I was so desperately bored and restless that I went to the driving range with my father and hit golf balls! I even managed to get them into the air! Most of them went about 80 ft, 100 at best. 10 at worst… Yes, I have not been since I was 9 or so, and I have no upper body strength! My back is all sore from the twisting action. And somehow I managed to twist my bra up in the process, that was pretty funny. Well, Dad was amazing though. He is very good.

I remember when I was young I went to aid my brother with his stance and he swung, hitting me directly over the eye with the club. Oh! I wonder if that’s why my eyebrow grows funny in that one spot… hmm! Interesting!! That has to be it!

Today I am sore! In the legs and shoulders. I thoroughly worked out my body yesterday, for once, instead of sitting on my bum in front of the computer, tv, or on the swing, which may or may not count as exercise (at least it counts as getting outside, probably is equivalent to a brisk walk because of the duration of my flight). My parents and I went to my father’s gym at work, which is free for us and yet mother and I have never partaken, though father goes frequently.

I have been begging for some basketball time because I sometimes get random cravings for random sports and basketball is one of the ones on my list, which also includes ice skating and bowling. Ice skating is at the top currently. So, we went and shot hoops. Firstly, I had to pass a quick physical test! Surprise! Did not know about that. Thank you, father. It was better I did not know about it, though.

For the test I had to weigh myself, no surprises though, glad I am still losing weight from my magical drug Topomax, then hold this weird contraption out at arms length as it sent an electrical pulse throughout my body. Why? I did not know, until afterwards when it was revealed to me that it now knew my percentage of body fat! Mom giggled at the look on my face upon my discovery. I wanted to know before hand, so maybe I could think thin? Trick it somehow? Ended up doing just fine anyway. I am healthy.

Next I had to step up and down on a stepper for 3 minutes. Fun. The trainer measured my pulse afterwards and had a bit of trouble finding it. My mother and I wondered if he would find it at all, considering I had taken a happy pill earlier to even me out, or, if it would be off the charts, considering my anxiety problems would boost my heart rate… Turned out that my heart rate was very impressive, so, the chill pill was the winner.

I love filling out paperwork >_< I tried to leave some questions blank but he made me fill them out.
Name: Shannon Butler
Date: 06/01/0 (why do I always have to think here??)9
Current Exercise Program:  Sit on Butt
Goals: Exercise

So, I passed. Then I got to play basketball with my folks! I made about 1 out of 10 baskets. … Yes, I do not play basketball. When was the last time I played? Freshman year of high school? Once then? But it’s fun. There was also a rowing machine next to the court that I had a blast with. I always did enjoy canoeing and kayaking. I wouldn’t last a mile though. My, my, am I sore. Feels good.

My mind has been craving constant and various activity, as well as activities I haven’t partaken in for a looong time, such as putting together puzzles and (shockingly) READING, which I haven’t done recreationally since middle school. I developed an anger towards reading since it wasn’t practical to be a writer, which I really liked the idea of, and so whenever I read I felt like writing and just ended up being creatively frustrated.

I used to read a lot. Mostly things I should not have been reading when I was younger, but my parents didn’t know until they read some of the Terry Goodkind books I had read at 10 and found to be risque still at their adult ages. But I had no idea what I was reading. “Adults and their weird sex things that they do, pffft.”

So, I got my father to go to the library with me and we searched for books. I wanted something light-hearted and fun at first. I looked in adult fiction, looked at the recommended reading on the ends of the shelving units. There was a book by a Joan Collins. I mistook her name for Joan Rivers, whose quirkiness and sense of humor I adore, so I wanted it, but then I realized it was an actress. I then searched for any books by Joan Rivers but there were none! Not in that library’s database, anyway. What a shame!

Then Dad found a book by the name of Lord Vishnu’s Love Handles by Will Clarke. He turned to the back and reads off a recommendation, then, he reads, “by Tony Hawk.” Yes, the pro-skater.

Dad: Endorsed by Tony Hawk! How could you not read this book, Shannon! It’s called Lord Vishnu’s Love Handles and it’s endorsed by Tony Hawk!
Shan: -_-’

I then realized the books I always want to read. Space academy books! Like Ender’s Game, but I read that when I was young. Dad suggests looking at Star Trek books for a star fleet academy book. Having just seen the new Star Trek movie, I was all for it! But to no avail. Searching in the database led to one book, but it wasn’t at our library. Finally I found an interesting book, Star Soldiers (also known as Star Guard) by Andre Norton, a book about aliens using humans as mercenaries about the universe, but that too was not at our library! Frustrated, I went home and downloaded it. =D

Father borrowed Lord Vishnu’s Love Handles from the library. I read some of it on the way home. Just awful thus far, lots of cussing and vulgarity, despite being in the mind of a supposedly good-natured fellow. Men! They sure are different. I suppose it could get more interesting if I stick with it. Maybe. It is endorsed by Tony Hawk.

I went to check the scale this morning because I was worried I had gained back the 2 pounds I’d recently lost, which had made a total of 8 lbs lost this year, only to discover I had lost 2 more pounds. @_@ I think my scale might be broken!? I cannot see where I am losing the weight… hopefully not in the boobies. So, that’s a total of 10 pounds lost this year! I’m sorry!

Why am I losing this weight? I have gotten off of Lexapro, an anti-depression drug that makes you fat, and have gotten on Topomax, an anti-depression drug that makes you lose weight. Ta-da! THANK YOU DRUGS

I felt very active today and I actually did a lot! Firstly, got up at 7:30 am to go treasure hunting with my father; we tackled a neighborhood with 20+ yard sales and several others in nearby areas. Did a lot of walking and browsing and although we only came up with 3 Carolina Hurricanes magnets (Rod Brind’amour, Eric Staal, Eric Cole), Queer Eye for the Straight Guy soundtrack (caught my eye because it had a lot of great artists), Evita soundtrack, and David Lanz’s Cristofori’s Dream album (great song, haven’t listened to the rest of the album yet), the fun is in the hunt.

There were many, many doggies out. People walking dogs, dogs waiting in cars, doggies in yards or peeking out windows. Sometimes I find myself longing for a pet that pays attention to me… I love cats, as they are soft and comforting, but they mostly ignore you, unless they are demanding food. I would also like a dog to spend time with me outside or go on drives with me, since I am unable to go for drives by myself. If only the dog could come into the stores with me! Or drive and pay for things!

Upon returning home, I went back to sleep. zzzZZzzz. Then I recruited Corey for a date. Hearing I had energy, he couldn’t refuse. We went to Moe’s for a burrito and chips n’ salsa then perused the mall. I was determined to buy Star Ocean I: First Departure since I’d been wanting it for the PSP for months and had been denying myself the purchase. Obtained, -$30! I have not touched my savings for a long time except for food expenses so I entitled myself.

Today and for the past couple of days I’ve felt like working again. As a bagger, of course, at the same grocery store, only with more specific hours. I have been on Abilify, a new drug added to my cocktail, for 4 or so days, but drugs don’t really act that fast… do they? I attribute this mood to the summertime. Every summer I usually get an improvement in my mood. I still get some downs.

After the mall, Corey and I watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop, which is a pre-release pre-screening for Blockbuster where his brother works. Corey did not want to watch but decided to suffer through it for my sake. I had wanted to go watch Kevin James act stupid at the dollar theatre for the sake of popcorn and the atmosphere. Corey thought I desperately wanted to see the movie. Meh, I do like Kevin James, not desperately, but this was very nice of Corey. The movie was okay. Not torturously bad like I thought it could be.

The other day I found a turtle on my side porch! It’s a great day when I find an adventure within the confines of my property. Yes, finding a turtle counts as an adventure. I can make it that exciting for myself. There are often bunnies, deer, and then countless “presents” such as dead moles, rats, and birds that Moochi brings us, but never a turtle in our yard. So, we hung out.

Mr. Turtle.

Tails went right up to the turtle, sniffed it, then plopped down next to it, unimpressed.

Moochi was terrified of the turtle at first (Moochi is our outdoor cat!), but eventually decided it was boring.

Recently I came downstairs to find my parents on the swingset. At first I was jealous, then I realized how adorable it was, and grabbed the camera. None of the pictures came out well… but combined into a gif it works out pretty nicely: (mom threatened me not to show any of the pics. hopefully this doesn’t count? she is adorable anyway.)

So we have set up a scholarship in Andy’s honor at our high school, Green Hope High, and we have a winner! The scholarship terms are thus: guitar player, Green Hope senior, attending college. Secretly, if they list Radiohead as a favorite band they are instantly favored, since Andy and Radiohead are basically one entity.

Yes. We offer free money upon completion of a small form on the internet, where guitar players are already hanging out listening to streaming music anyway, and only one person manages to complete this task. And early! A real winner! And so, they won! Makes it a lot easier for us. Thank you, person. And congratulations.